Dark Tower

October is upon us (actually it's been upon us for awhile now... it's practically over) and Halloween is only a few weeks away. In keeping with tradition, we like to celebrate the horror genre during this month, showcasing some of the greatest horror films you may have missed in your clamor to see Paranormal Activity 3. Coincidentally, we recently watched Paranormal Activity 2 and Ryan was so unnerved, he slept with his Captain America shield and proton pack.

Ryan: Hey man, way to put me on blast like that!

Sorry...

Moving on....

As long as we're on the topic of paranormal happenings, we'd like to share a film that deals with the haunting of a tower, a film aptly named Dark Tower

We're 100% the film does not
take place in New York

How did we stumble upon this gem, you ask? Well we simply put evil-sounding words in NetFlix's search bar. What really sold it for us is the inclusion of one of the finest actors that horror movies have ever known, Michael Moriarty! You might remember him as the fist-hurling, no nonsense Mo' Rutherford from the critically-acclaimed Stuff. If you don't remember, for Pete's sake, scroll down and read The Stuff post. For serious.

He can't believe you didn't read The Stuff post

Now, Dark Tower takes place in... another country. Between the three of us, we've narrowed it down to Spain, Italy, or Japan. Now that's an awfully wide berth but the country is hardly important. In fact, every character of importance speaks plain ol' English. The story centers around a newly constructed skyscraper and its architect... Crap... what was her name?

Anyone? Someone run a search on IMDB please.

Ryan: Which chick? The chick with the Oscar moment?

No, no. She was barely in it. I'm referring to the chick that the whole movie was kinda about.

Ryan: The chick that Mo' Rutherford wanted to score with?

Yeah her! But you're kinda giving away spoilers there, champ!

Ryan: Oh right. SPOILER ALERT! The chick that Mo' Rutherford wanted to bang?

Yes her. What was her name in the movie?

Ryan: This chick?

Yeah.

Ryan: Carolyn Page

Ok that sounds about right. Anyways, Carolyn Page is the architect for the building which, as you might have guessed, is haunted! Weird happenings start... happening. For one, Carolyn seems to live inside the shell of this skyscraper. The first time we see her, she's in her underwear, dancing around her office. We had to ask Dennis to leave the room at this part. He's very impressionable. Don't judge us. 1989 half-nakedness still counts in 2011. All the while, the window washer is watching her do her little panty dance. Suddenly, he's attacked by an invisible force which jacks him up hardcore and hurls him over the side of his little trolley.

Soon Mo Rutherford is on the case--

Ryan: His name's Dennis Randa-

Soon MO RUTHERFORD is on the case although we're not sure if he's a cop or just some guy who investigates things like The Stuff and Dark Tower. Unfortunately, he's not the best man for the job. Everytime someone tries to give him important information to advance the plot, he zones out and starts fantasizing about doing Carolyn Page on her desk while her dead ex-husband watches, or chasing her down an endless labyrinth of hallways... He's kinda not good at his job. His partner's even worse. He gets possessed in the elevator shaft and starts gunning people down before he's shot himself.

When there were creepy going-ons in the 80s, you called this guy

If we could, we'd like to take a moment to mention an uncredited star of this movie: the elevator shaft shot. The director rigged a camera at the bottom of an elevator and was so impressed with himself, he used that shot more than any other. Just vmmm elevator coming down, vmmmm elevator going up. The elevator has more screen time than Mo' Rutherford.

And the winner for Best Actor goes to...

But what exactly is causing all this ghostly tomfoolery? Well Mo' Rutherford does some digging on his computer. Whenever Mo' Rutherford is shown researching onscreen, he is as quiet as the dead. But whenever the audience sees what he's looking at, we hear ol Mo' spew forth the most vulgar mutterings ever displayed.

"Motherf***in' f***s all f***ed up in the
f***...seen a lotta f***s and the f***s are still f***ed

Ultimately he discovers that Carolyn's dead ex-husband was the original architect of the skyscraper and may be the one responsible for the paranormal activites (<---subliminal advertising Paranormal Activity films). Of course, Mo' Rutherford can't just bust ghosts on his own. He's gotta round up a crew that involves a parapsychologist fake John Rhys-Davies and a psychic drunk R.J. Fletcher. They charge in to exorcise the ghost but uncover a truth that makes R.J. Fletcher do this:

Let's be honest. Nothing we write here could make this funnier than it is.

Now for your benefit, we won't go into the spellbinding climax but we do recommend you see it for yourself. To be honest, we figured Mo' Rutherford was just gonna KO the ghost and fornicate with Carolyn. Suffice it to say, our minds were totally blown at the conclusion.

Hers too

The Video Dead

Hi everyone. Ryan here. We realize it's been awhile since a new blog has gone up and we apologize. For one, Dennis and I were finishing college which takes up a lot more time than you'd think. That's right, folks. We all have college degrees now so you can trust that these film reviews come from highly educated individuals. Even better, Dennis is smarter than Chris and I combined (According to Dennis). Another reason for our short hiatus is because we were really banking on Judgment Day ending the world. It'd really get us out of a bunch of obligations and free up our time. Unfortunately, life goes on.

Now the film we have for you is a special treasure from 1987 called The Video Dead. Just look at that movie poster. That is pretty impressive. Look out, Van Gogh. I think your Starry Night just got curb stomped by this masterpiece.

MTV continues to add programs
unrelated to music.

The Video Dead is not your typical zombie movie. To prove this, we've used patented neurological technology to recieve Dennis' thoughts while he watched the film. Just trust us. It's gangbusters.

"Treat me right or I will jack you up"

Ok to start, a mysterious television set is delivered to a grumpy old guy who hates TV. That night, the TV turns itself onto a black-and-white zombie movie. The dude grumbles and turns the set off. It turns itself back on. The man becomes angrier and unplugs the set and goes to bed. That night, the TV turns itself on again. This time, the zombies notice the screen and start banging on it. As you might imagine, they rupture the space between TV Land (the realm, not the channel) and the Real World (the realm, not the TV show). The next morning the deliverymen return to reclaim the to find the man... partied to death.

Like it was 1999

3 months later...

The film was originally titled "The Hell of Being Zoe"

The house is bought by the Blair family. Zoe and Jeff Blair move in before their parents, who are currently overseras. Apparently someone cleaned up the brutal murder and stored the TV in the attic. That's right. The TV's in the attic. Zoe is the oldest and she's a big ol' happy airhead. Jeff is younger and he's basically a pothead. Four minutes after he moves in, he meets the hottest chick in the neighborhood, April. She's a dogwalker for rich people. Yappy, the dog she's currently walking runs off into the woods surrounding the Blair house. I think now is a good time to see what Dennis is thinking so far:

Dennis' brain: Ok, so the zombies come out of the Tv whenever it's on. I bet that Jeff kid will turn the TV on and a horde of zombies will come out and they'll spend the rest of the movie fighting zombies.

WRONG!

The dog runs off into the woods because he smells zombies! That's right, folks. The zombies never went back into the TV, they've been running the woods for the past 3 months.

Dennis' brain: Oh they're in the woods... I bet they eat the dog

WRONG!

That zombie punts the crap outta the dog and leaves it for dead. April finds it and worries about being fired. Luckily Jeff creates an alibi where the dog swallows a ball and dies. "Just push a ball down its throat and say it suffocated." Oddly enough, that alibi not only works, it also turns April on a little. Freaky.

That night, the TV turns itself on, luring Jeff into the attic. He takes it to his room and lights a jazzy. A "beautiful" woman emerges from the TV to seduce Jeff. When she returns, an individual approaches her from behind and slits her throat mid-sentence. This is the Garbage Man. He explains to Jeff that the girl was a zombie and that zombies come outta the TV.

The Garbage Man: The unsung zombie-slaying hero

Dennis' brain: I bet the Garbage Man is a human who got stuck in the TV. He'll probably help Jeff fight the zombies from his side.

WRONG!

The Garbage Man is never heard from again. Luckily, there's another "old guy/mentor" character who arrives on the scene, Mr. Daniels. Mr. Daniels is a Texan hellbent on buying the TV. Apparently he's really into 3D. And FYI the zombies finally come outta the woods and start killing people.

No no, not THIS Daniels.

Dennis' brain: Ok I bet there'll be a horde of zombies and they'll just start eating everyone. And who the Hell is that a picture of up there?!

WRONG!

There is only five zombies! They're like a team. Oh and they don't eat anyone. They really just kill for fun. In fact, they stick one lady in the washing machine and then laugh like idiots. According to Mr. Daniels, the zombies are insanely jealous of the Living. They hate seeing themselves in mirrors because they hate what they are. Oh and one of the zombies is David Bowie.

Ok, so it's not really David Bowie but it is
a serious case of copyright infringement

April's parents are killed and she runs to Jeff's house to cry. At this point, Jeff, April, Mr. Daniels, and Zoe are all holed up in their house.

Dennis' brain: They'll have to survive the night in this house, making their stand I bet.

WRONG!

Almost immediately David Bowie somehow gets into the house and steals April.

No one heard Bowie's footprints
over the sound of furious brushing

Dennis' brain: Wow, how did he get in there? The doors and windows were barricaded! Man... Ok they'll have to go save April and her and Jeff will fall in love in the process.

WRONG!

They pretty much let Bowie take her and don't pursue the zombies til the morning. Mr. Daniels and Jeff set off to hunt the zombies. They...uh...do pretty horribly. They manage to chainsaw one in half and then Mr. Daniels ends up implaed on his own arrow.

Dennis' brain: Wow I didn't expect Mr. Daniels to die. I'm sure Jeff will kill the rest and it'll be like he's the new zombie killer. Oh wait-- how'd that zombie get a hold of the chainsaw?! Oh no, is he really gonna--?!

CORRECT!

Jeff is impaled on the chainsaw! Now it's just Zoe all alone in a house. The zombies bust in. There's no hope. What will she do?!

Dennis' brain: I'm so confused. Where can this movie possibly go? Is the girl just gonna be eaten and then the credits will roll? How can this chick even fight the zombies? All she can do is be nice to them and make them dinner!

CORRECT!

Zoe realizes that the zombies won't kill her if she treats them like human beings. She seriously makes them dinner and then traps them in the basement where they go insane and eat each other.

The Video Dead is really awesome and unpredictable. It's especially fun if you have those friends who can "figure out" the ending to every movie you watch. Thankfully, I watch my films with Dennis and he rarely has any idea what's going on. Just look:

Dennis' brain: She was nice to them?! What the !%&*?!?!?... That's so weird....So wait... Who were 'The Video Dead'?

Zone Troopers

This blog's entry calls for a different kind of introduction. As we all know there are certain great actors who all play the same character in every movie: themselves, but we're going to focus on our boy Billy Zane for a minute. Billy Zane plays Billy Zane in every movie, and Billy Zane is too good for any of his roloes and acts like he is doing the world a favor by being in the movie. In the same vein of acting mentality we have another amazing talent of underrated action flick badassery - TIM THOMERSON. We loved him in Trancers, I loved him in Uncommon Valor, and now everyone will love him in Zone Troopers. We're convinced that Tim doesn't act like he's doing everyone a favor...he actually is doing the movie as a favor. For Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo (the guys who made the movie).

Ok so shortly (very shortly) after finishing Trancers, the entire cast and crew went for a 10 minute break, got changed, and immediately started filiming Zone Troopers. Seriously, the credits for both movies are almost identical. Tim Thomerson is in a rush to hurry up and complete of all Bilson's movies and get rid of his poker debt. Thats why these movies are very short, sweet, and almost too direct in getting their point across.

And now...without fuirther ado:

This is pretty much how the movie DOESN'T go...

Rebel Alliance recruitment poster starring Admiral Ackbar's cousin

Our movie begins with an US Army Platoon stuck hanging around a rural Italian town behind German lines. They're all sitting around, killing time, waiting anxiously for their returning patrols or an attacking force. It looks like your typical WWII film...a bunch of young GI's engaging in small talk and laughing nervously. The main point of the introduction is to let the audience know that Tim Thomerson is known as the "Iron Sarge" and he is unkillable. So much that he is becoming a living legend among the troops. (we're pretty sure Danny Bilson made his character 'unkillable' so he would have to be in the entire film.)

His resentment of his role makes for a very good "Iron Sarge" personality

 The first few minutes are of Tim Thomerson proving how tough he is by yelling at his Lieutenant (Lieutenant is a few ranks above sergeant). He's growling about what the Lt. should be doing about the missing GI patrols, but the fabulous and flamboyant young man refuses to take Tim Thomersons's advice. Soon, loud noises can be heard coming from the other side of the hill, and  the Lieutenant literally skips up the hill and is shot down halfway. Now..the Germans are on the other side of the hill. So we're pretty sure Tim Thomerson shot this guy. He's just that hardcore. So anyway the Germans attack and a brutal firefight ensues, with GI's and Nazi's droppin like flies. The Americans put up a hell of a fight, but there are too many Germans and the platoon is soon overrun. Only Tim Thomerson and a handful of troops survive the onslaught.



Oh God...I should have just gotten shot and I'd be done with this movie already

The main players, from left to right: Dolan, an American Journalist trying to cover a story on Tim Thomerson; he is also the drunk baseball player who throws liquor bottles at the end of Trancers. Tim Thomerson, the "Iron Sarge". He's a tough guy who is focused on one thing - killing all the Nazi's so the war, and the movie, will be over in 85 minutes. Joey, the Jersey kid who pioneered the stereotype of WWII Jersey kids. he's young, naive, and really likes baseball. And finally we have Mittens, the big guy with a big gun (Velma, a combination of M1 Garand stock, Thompson receiver, and a Browning M1919 Barrel). He was also the police commissioner from Trancers. (we're pretty sure this guy is a plant in Bilson's films to make sure Thomerson is doing his job correctly, which is why he had to fish him out of the ocean in Trancers)

Now despite its alien-related plotline, this movie plays out more like a standard war film. Its a chaotic, scary, and emotional experience with these four GI's trapped behind enemy lines with a million Nazi's out searching for them. Wandering through the woods you can almost feel the crack of a Kar98 picking off one of them. Or the deep trembling BOOM of a Tiger Tank. Amazingly they elude the German's and seek shelter in an abandoned barn for the night, where we gain some emotional stories. Dreams of home. Dolan, Mittens, and Joey are all sharing stories of home and talking about being in Dolan's paper when Tim Thomerson barges in and breaks up the meeting and demands sentries posted. Tim isn't focused on delivering an all star emotional film for the audience; he's doing his job as Sarge the way a real sergeant would. The emotional hardships are felt, not acted out.

The following day, Dolan and Mittens decide to wander off and hunt deer and Tim Thomerson is ready to head for Allied lines when Joey stumbles upon the next plot device - an alien spacecraft!


Hey Sarge! Let's go inside!!

 Now we expected the spaceship to change this movie from WWII to a strange science fiction. Not on Tim Thomerson's watch! Bilson said this was a WWII movie and that's what he's gonna get. He reluctantly follows Joey through the ship, ignoring all signs that it is in fact an alien craft. He is convinced that the German's built it, and he promptly blows it up, stating that "It doesn't matter where it came from. the Nazi's want it, so we're not letting em have it. We got a job to do!" There are a few moments in this movie that have that "sucker-punch" feeling of reality to em...this was definitely one of them. Young Joey couldn't believe that he discovered an alien craft, and how this would change the world forever. And Tim Thomerson, grounded in the immediate situation, blew it to pieces. (Bilson couldn't believe his eyes)

And so on their way back to Allied lines, another plot device is placed in Tim Thomerson's path - an SS Camp. Naturally, Dolan with his reporter instincts, sneaks into the camp, which is soon inhabited by a returning patrol. Mittens attempts to rescue him but they are both promptly captured. We soon learn that the SS camp is searching for the alien ship that Tim Thomseron just blew up and have in their custody one of the aliens. Hitler himself shows up at the camp to interrogate the GI's and is socked by Mittens. True GI guts!!
Eventually Tim Thomerson (who spends long portions of the movie not being in the movie) shows up with Joey to rescue his two comrades, and they hijack an SS Truck that is holding the alien prisoner.

Alright Bilson, what the hell? I thought we were making a war movie here..not ET 2!

Its fairly late in the movie, but they finally have an alien with them that the story will now twist and bend around. Not on Tim Thomerson's watch! He spends the rest of the movie ignoring it, trying to leave it behind for the Germans, and denying that there is an alien in his squad. To him this is still just a war movie.

And so the squad makes their way through the Italian countryside and gets within a few miles of Allied lines when the alien wanders off and finds her (yea..the alien is a chick at this point) fellow alien kind, who seem to have brought a rescue ship. With them. The other aliens look like they're straight out of a David Bowie music video.

Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, European Tour 1944

 The aliens and war plot never really blend well in this movie. It seems like the aliens should either be here for a reason to mess with the Nazis, or the plot should somehow focus on the aliens, but it keeps its focus on the men of Tim Thomerson's squad and the camaraderie in war. The aliens are there, yes, but they're always just tagging along, out of place. When the aliens all reunite, the Germans attack. Typically you'd expect some alien weaponry to come into action, but instead the aliens return the ignorance and try to take off while under fire. The GI's, being selfless heroes, return the fire and try to defend the aliens. A grenade is tossed at the ship and Joey lunges to cover the blast. The battle rages for a few more minutes before the Germans are defeated and Tim Thomerson finds Joey. Again we expect some alien tech to save Joey's life, but instead the aliens ignore the dying soldier and continue with their takeoff procedures unhindered. Young Joey dies and Tim Thomerson FLIPS OUT. He yells at the aliens and tries planning a defense against the inevitable German assault, of which the aliens will take no part.

"We will not help you kill your own kind" the aliens say. Pointing at their dead comrade, Mittens growls back at them "The Nazis ain't our kind!"

The aliens still refuse, and the three remaining GI's head off the repel the German invaders. It was a real tribute to the American soldier. Here they are, three against a hundred, fighting to defend the oblivious and ignorant strangers for no reason other than they can. The aliens won't fight, and they'll be killed or captured, and so the angered Americans lay their lives on the line for them. I'm sure there's some sort of literal interpretation, but I'm pretty sure Tim Thomerson is trying to get everyone killed and end the movie.
And so our ragtag band of dogfaced GI's engage the German forces and repel them for as long as they can for the aliens to escape. They fight as long as they can, but eventually run out of ammo. Tim Thomerson, being the brave Iron Sarge (eager to be killed out of the movie), he surrenders to the Germans. However when he is face to face with the commander, he pulls a grenade from his pocket and blows himself up with the commander!!

The other two soldiers watch in horror and soon realize they're doomed when the aliens finally decide to be in the film. And then its pretty much all downhill cheesiness...

And now you all know where Call of Duty stole its ray gun idea from

Yea...the aliens have ray guns that basically make everything disappear when its hit. And now everyone is invincible and can't miss. The aliens "triumphantly" clean up the remaining handful of Germans, after the majority of the work has been done by the GI's. I guess we're supposed to think the aliens saved the day but they really didn't save anything. They were selfish and ignorant punks who got Sarge and Joey killed.

Luckily Tim Thomerson has more movies to make to finish his bet with Danny Bilson, and the unkillable "Iron Sarge" lives!! He simply walks out of the fog at the end of the movie (without a scratch) and demands a cigarette. TOTALLY BADASS.

Arena

Wednesday night, March 2, 2010. I, Ryan M. Brady, was sitting in my room thinking how cool it would be to put two conveyor belts, each moving in opposite directions, right next to each other and then laying on both sides so my body would rotate unyieldingly. Then my phone blows up. It's PJ, the other brother. The brother excluded from the Ryan, Dennis, and Chris Film Appreciation Society. He's hysterical, yelling about how awesome this movie is. I ask him to calm down but he's so far into telling me about this movie, it's like talking to a parrot. A parrot who only learned how to scream like Hitler. A parrot who only learned how to scream like Hitler on PCP.

A few hours later, PJ calls back. This time, he's coherent but he doesn't have much to say. He utters one word and I drop the phone. One word: "ARENA"



The last time PJ got THAT excited for a movie,
it was "Star Wars"



The title "Arena" refers to interspecies galactic fighting that takes place onboard this space station. Aliens are just beating the snot out of one another. Each fighter's abilities are hindered by a beam that makes the fights even.There are no human contenders. I was surprised at the level of violence and realism of the movie. A few occasion during the first fight, I noticed Dennis wincing as the champion, Horn, rained blows upon his opponent.

"RANGERRRRS!!!"

(Yes, he sounds like Goldar)

Our hero, Steve Armstrong, is also watching the fight on his intergalactic television... while he's supposed to be cooking. Armstrong has always wanted to be an Arena fighter which is why he's come to space in the first place. Unfortunately, him and his best friend Shorty, a 4-armed Nebulite, run a fast food joint on the space station. Armstrong is so into the Arena fight, he neglects to cook any food and when an Arena fighter Vang complains, Armstrong feeds him alright -- with a knuckle sandwich!

"Quit bleeding on my pecs, brah!"

That'll teach you to complain, Vang! Of course, now Armstrong and Shorty are outta jobs. Pretty soon they're bumming in the slums of the space station, turning tricks for money. Hey man, a 4 armed guy can earn a lot, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately for them, Vang's buddies find Armstrong and rough him up. Or try to at least. What they don't realize is that Armstrong's the strongest man ever! He easily dodges their blows with his lanky figure and feeds them all knuckle sandwiches. Vang's manager, Quinn, sees Armstrong's superior skills and offers him a job which he turns down.

Whoa! We sat perplexed and befuddled. We thought Armstrong's biggest dream was to become an Arena fighter! What's keeping him from taking the job? As we soon learn, Armstrong is disillusioned by the fixing of the matches by a mysterious manipulator. Regardless, Armstrong stills struggles with his decision and then it hits us at the same time. Dennis and I look into each other's eyes but no words are shared. We both know it. We foolishly believed the film was about the physical "Arena" where aliens fight each other for sport, but it's really about the "arena" within Armstrong.

Still strapped for cash, Armstrong and Shorty continue on their downward spiral into oblivion, resorting to illegal gambling. Abruptly, the gambling ring is broken up by a dude in a cape with a giant motorcycle helmet equipped with horns. They way that Armstrong and Shorty book it, we assume the dude's a police figure. During their escape, they swipe a couple thousand lying around and think they've hit the big time. Not the case. Weezil, a weasel-y dude, sees them and reports it to Mr. Rogor, the owner of the gambling ring (He's also the dude fixing the Arena matches). Now Shorty and Armstrong are in deep with the sharks. Rogor's a super evil space vampire and he wants his money back. Now Armstrong is forced to become an Arena fighter to earn the money back!

The epitome of space evil: ROGOR!

So Armstrong accepts Quinn's offer and dons the battle dress of champions! Luckily for everybody, Armstrong is super strong and can beat the crap outta every alien he meets including Stickers, his sparring partner.

One of the few touching scenes from "Arena"

Truth be told, this movie was so intense, there were parts where I had to pull my eyes from the screen so I can't be sure how many fights Armstrong fights in. The point is, he makes it all the way to the championship to fight Horn. Rogor's scared, man. Armstrong's way strong and Rogor's bound to lose some paper. Of course, he's a shady cat and he's not about to let Armstrong just walk away a winner. First he gets his lady friend to help. She's a singer that sings tunes to polyphonic Atari music.
 She seduces and poisons Armstrong, making him very sluggish before the match. Um... somehow he's cured seconds before the fight. I think they use magnets. Who remembers? I couldn't take my eyes of Armstrong's perfect hair.

"Square up, dude"

Pissed, Rogor sends Weezil up into the rafters to turn the handicap beam off of Horn. Shorty sees Weezil and pursues him. The two combatants struggle and unexpectedly, Shorty throws Weezil over the railing sending him plummeting to the ground. *Snap* His neck breaks and we see his weasel eyes glaze over.

At this point, I had to pause the movie and hold Dennis' hair while he vomited. Poor Little Guy. Clearly, "Arena" may want to raise their rating from "PG" to "R" so sensitive little boys don't watch it. Oh, back to the match. In the greatest fight ever filmed (yes, better than all the "Rocky"s combined) Armstrong knocks Horn out.
We don't think we could recommend this movie more than we already are. Having seen this, I'm so very pissed that "The King's Speech" won Best Movie. I don't care that "Arena" came out 22 years ago. Furthermore, we've written the script for "Arena 2". It's an opportune time for it, what with all these remakes and sequels being made 20 years after the fact. Ok, so "Arena 2" begins 3 seconds after "Arena" ends. Everyone's still celebrating Armstrong's victory. Suddenly, one of the fans steps on the corpse of Weezil and screams "AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!". Puzzled, Armstrong asks what's happening.

Shorty replies: "I killed Weezil, Steve!"
"What the F%*@, Shorty?!?!?!"

Everyone's disgusted at Shorty's actions and the Motorcycle Helmet-with-Horns Guy arrests both Shorty and Armstrong and throws them in Space Alcatraz. Oh yeah, guess who owns Space Alcatraz? That's right. Mr. Rogor! And he's doubly pissed and makes Armstrong fight for his freedom in an underground prison fighting ring. If you don't believe it'd win "Best Movie", just watch "Arena". Trust us on this one.

Trancers

Dennis here, and yes as you all know my last review (which happened to be the best Time Rider review ever written) was so intensely awesome it tripped out our home circuit and deleted itself. Sorry folks.

So I'm going to try again and write a just-below-"super-rad" review this time.

You don't need to know what a Trancer is!

Oh wait..this is TRANCERS!!
Starring one of the greatest action stars of all time: Tim Thomerson (who you probably all know as the helicopter pilot in Uncommon Valor [which, on another related note, also starred Fred Ward of Time Rider!!]) Isn't it crazy how all these movies are interconnected?!

Anywho, our movie stars Tim Thomerson as the badass loose-cannon futurecop JACK DETH. Now take a good look at the poster above....if there was ever a movie that you couldn't judge by its cover, this is it. Here we see Deth wearing a futuristic space suit with shiny gloves and a large laser gun...in reality, the "future" looks like this:

Cars with roll bars are all the rage in the 2230s

Deth is your typical hard-ass cop who plays by his own rules. Instead of doing his actual police duties, he roams the future world hunting down the last remnants of a gang known as the "Trancers". From the opening narrative we gather that Deth has just killed the gang's leader, Whisler. Now this movie is so action packed and hardcore there's absolutely no time to explain what a Trancer is. instead we just watch Deth fight one to the death - and almost lose. Basically a Trancer is a regular person until Jack Death comes along, and then they turn into violent zombie-like monsters, brainwashed (or "Tranced") by Whisler. However, it seems the only evil the Trancers intend to do is trying to kill Jack Deth. The first Trancer is a waitress at a diner, who is serving the guests peacefully until Deth shows up, and then she beats the living crap out of him before he gets a lucky shot off and kills her.

"Gotcha now, Bitch!"

Notice how he is on the ground, utensils knocked everywhere, and he's covered in boiling water? The Trancer pretty much dominated for the whole fight, he just got lucky enough to pull his gun in time.

After his encounter and we see how badass Deth is, we get a brief glimpse of life in the future: Los Angeles is flooded, and Jack Deth spends his weekends looting hubcaps from the submerged metropolis. The entire police force has to remind Deth that he's a cop and has a real job and real police duties that he simply refuses to do.

Luckily for Deth, his arch-nemesis Whisler is still alive, and living in the 1980s. In a sort of Terminator plot, Whisler has traveled back in time to kill the ancestors of the current world's council, thereby making him the king of the future world. The only choice is to send Jack Deth back in time to stop him; and kill any Trancers he finds.

And so Deth is transported back to the 80s with a .38 special, a time stopping watch, and a badass attitude. When he arrives back in time he finds himself in his own ancestor's body, and is partnered with his current girlfriend Leena. He also finds that Whisler is in the body of the current Police Chief.

Jack Deth doesn't try to hide the fact that he's from the future at all. He immediately changes his ancestor into Jack Deth and starts telling Leena about his mission.

Dry hair's for squids!

Naturally she rejects his tall tale, and so Deth stalks her to her job as a Santa's Helper. Bad move, Jack Deth - that normal polite Santa Clause is actually a TRANCER!!

Again we see Jack deth getting his ass kicked..this time by Santa Clause.

Luckily a local police officer intervenes and Jack Deth is able to get another lucky shot off and kill Santa. This convinces Leena to believe his story and help him. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop Deth from being bested by the Trancers at every turn. He visits the local tanning salon to rescue one of the council's ancestors, only to find that he has already been turned into one of the monsters...

As expected, things don't turn out so good for Jack Deth at the tanning salon either

Luckily Deth is saved by Leena, only to be confronted by Whisler himself upon exiting the building. He has with him an entire firing squad of police officers and orders them to fire. Oh No! Luckily, Jack Deth is very lucky...and he has the time stopping watch! Now according to the scientists, the watch "turns one second into ten". Its more like "turns one second into however long Jack Deth needs"...he spend the first 6 second just staring in amazement, then he grabs Leena and makes a dash past the firing squad. He stops to stare at Whisler, but opts not to kill him then. Then he runs around the corner, gets into his car, and drives away before time resets itself.

Nothing says "badass" like a trench coat

The rest of the movie centers on finding the remaining council ancestor Hap Ashby, a washed up has-been baseball player, who is now a drunkard and a hobo living in the sewers. Deth finds him just as Whisler does, and an epic showdown takes place: First Deth is almost killed by a Tranced police officer when Leena blasts him, then they escape on an action packed moped-chase through the city, ending on the top of a 3 story building. Whisler has Leena hostage and shoves her off the edge. Deth activates his time watch, runs to the edge (doesn't push Whisler off), and then runs down to catch Leena. meanwhile the drunken Hap Ashby, who is hiding in a nearby dumpster and can produce alcohol by sheer force of will, begins hurling bottles of liquor at Whisler until he finally falls off the building. From here, Jack Deth injects him with a time-antidote, sending him back to the future with no body to arrive in, ultimately erasing him from existence.

Time Rider

Wow... it's been awhile. It's a good thing nobody reads this. For those of you who do (Chris) here's what happened. Dennis originally wrote the greatest Time Rider review of all time. Then the power went out and it was lost for all time.... Everyone knows how lazy we at the RDCFAS are so we never bothered to write a new one...

Til now...

3 years before Marty McFly would take his fateful trip back to 1955, there was one ultimate time travel movie. Time Rider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann!

Yes, we did select this movie
based on the poster.

Lyle Swan is played by Fred Ward of Tremors fame (Remember Tremors? When Kevin Bacon fakes out the Tremor at the end? What a cool dude Kevin Bacon is!) But waaaaay before he's the Time Rider, he's just an everyday motorbike enthusiast racing in the Baja 1000. It's some big cross country race over there... near Mexico...Rock a wiki on it if you need to know. This blog isn't about races y'know.

PANAMA!

 For the first 15 mins of the film, we're just watching Lyle Swann race his motorbike over rough terrain. From his POV. For 15 mins. It's just the camera rocking up and down while it flies across the land at 90 mph with Eddie Van Halen providing the soundtrack. If you don't vomit from the motion sickness, you're surely spew from the awesomeness. Unfortunately Swann gets lost, despite his super hi-tech helmet. It's got zoom, night vision, GPS, infrared, x-ray, and it protects his skull. There's also a button to make the visor go up and down. It's actually pretty nifty. But like we said, despite his super hi-tech helmet, he gets lost.

Doesn't matter what century it is, Lyle Swann's still a dick

This next part's important. Pay attention, huh? Now as we all know, top secret experiments of the utmost importance take place where there's no people, but somehow they find their ways to interrupt them (see Spider-man 3). The top secret government (?) lab is conducting Project: Time Rider, an experiment where they send a trashcan back in time. Who knows where the "Rider" part of the experiment is... it's just a trash can. Luckily for us, Lyle Swann stumbles upon this little science deal and is sent back in time too!

This man can't believe he's just met the dude from Tremors!

1877... Civilization is gone. Deserts sprawl in every direction. Old men in animal skins cook fire on fire spits. Cowboys ride around on horses, shooting pistols. Lyle Swann thinks he's in Mexico. Yes, the entire movie Lyle Swann is oblivious to the fact he's gone back in time. THE ENTIRE MOVIE. He rides around pursued by a gang of villainous cowboys who reason "that Robert E. Lee could've won the Civil War if he'd had one of those devil wheel machines." They eventually get it, primarily because Swann is busy shacking up with his grandmom. Ugh I almost forgot about that part... There's this chick, Belinda Bauer (she was in Robocop 2. I love that movie) and she's into strange future men apparently.

Ok... while Marty McFly danced around the issue of incest, Swann dives right in. to be fair, it's not so much that he's fornicating with his grandmom...it's more like he's fathering his own blood line. But to be certain, it's definitely sick. It's not very subtle either. It's more like "Hey this movie's been an hour of driving that damn bike around. Why don't you do the chick from Robocop 2 now?"

Eventually both her and the bike get kidnapped, so Swann has to team up with the baddest mofo in 1877, some shaggy dog-looking Ranger. Actually for a short time during the end, it turns into "Time Rider: The Adventures of the Shaggy-Haired Ranger". He sneaks into the enemy camp and snaps a dude's neck, which sprays arterial blood onto the Ranger's face. That, sir, is a SERIOUS neck snap.

Swann believes he's dazzling these "Mexicans"
with his Glo stick...

The exciting climax finds Time Rider, his bike, and the chick atop a cliff with the enemies in pursuit. It's dire now. There's no where to go but down. Is this the end of Time Rider?!

Not sure why the helicopter
spins outta control...

Thankfully no (but actually yes) the scientists from 1982 have sent a helicopter back in time to save Lyle Swann! Appparently the whole "we can't screw with the past by sending Fred Ward or helicopters back in time" doesn't apply. To be fair, even Doc Brown says "To Hell with it", right? So the scientists grab Swann only and take off for the future. As the credits roll, you can just barely here the scientists trying to explain to Swann that he was back in time, while he guffaws at their claims. Oh and the villain hell-bent on getting the Timebike?

He got too close to
the "Devil's Flying Machine"

Cobra

Stallone is pissed at crime

              "Cobra" is a seriously hardcore movie starring Sylvester Stallone as Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, the most badass cop ever. He's the cop you call in when everything goes to Hell. He plays by his own rules and bends the law if it needs bending. He does every dirty job that comes along... Wait that's "Dirty Harry", isn't it? But that's the beauty of "Cobra". We're 99.8% sure "Cobra" was made after Stallone watched "Dirty Harry" and decided to reamke it. Not that we're mad. Both movies are exceptional.

This is Cobra's gun. He keeps it tucked in the front of his pants...
Why don't you own a holster, Cobra?! 

The movie opens with Stallone rambling off some insane statistics. "75 robberies every 20 mins, 350 murders an hour, 945 rapes in a day, and 19,475 violent crimes in a fortnight". Follwing that, we have crazed man proclaiming to be "The Hunter" or something  who takes a grocery store hostage. The cops are all outside, helpless to stop this shotgun-toting maniac. With their backs against the wall, they make the decision. "Call in the Cobra". Bad news for criminals. Boom. Cobra's on the scene. He immediately enters the gorcery store, endangers all the hostages by provoking the dude to fire the shotgun, drinks some stolen beer, gets on the PA and accuses the villain of being an asshole and a bad shot, then blows the dude away, twirls his gun and disarms a bomb. Cobra is the most badass cop around and the movie hasn't even started yet.

Nothing says "Cop" like some badass threads

The entire movie, Cobra is perpetually wearing aviators, gloves, and chewing on a matchstick. Apparently this was hardcore in the 80s... Anyway the city is under seige by a serial killer known as the Night Slasher. You guessed it. He slashes people at night. But it's kinda tragic really. It's a compulsive act. He can't not slash. For pete's sake, there's time in the movie when he's trying to blend in and hide from Cobra in a crowd and he just slashes a dude. Another time, he slashes one of his own henchmen. He's just a poor, sick individual... with a compulsive need to slash Brigette Nielsen. Lucky for her, Cobra and his "partner" are ordered to protect her.



Poor guy's addicted to slashing people.
At night.

Did you notice we put "partner" in quotations? That's because Cobra works with a partner, Sgt. Gonzales. However, after close examination, we don't believe that Gonzales is an actual person. No, in fact, we believe Gonzales is the dark side of Cobra's psyche. Just hear us out. We noticed that no one actually talks to Gonzales except Cobra. Ok Brigette Nielsen talks to Gonzalez but she's really talking to Cobra, follow? Gonzales is an imaginary partner cooked up by Cobra! We say he's Cobra's dark side because he's always suggesting Cobra do bad things.

Gonzales: You know, when this is over with, I'd like to celebrate, by punching a hole in Monte's chest!
Cobra: You know what the trouble with you is? You're too violent!



Like Cobra, Gonzales refuses to wear a uniform, opting for
the ever dangerous jeff cap



Furthermore, it isn't until Gonzales is incapacitated and left behind that Cobra goes all psycho cop. The exciting conclusion takes place where all exciting conclusions in the 1980s took place: abandoned steel refineries that are somehow still active. Night Slasher and his army (yeah... we probably should've mentioned this earlier)...ok Night Slasher is part of a cult that's trying to kill the weak and usher in the future...? Sorry if that sounds weird. They don't really specify too much who or what the cult is. You just see em every now and then banging axes together. Pretty much, they needed a biker gang for Cobra to fight. Getting back to it, Cobra murderizes a whole biker gang with a little submachine gun with a laser pointer. We assume laser sights were introduced in 1986 because Cobra makes a big deal about having one. He keeps shining the red dot in people's eyes. They're all like "We get it Cobra".

The final showdown is super extreme. Night Slasher's got his knife, Cobra's got his laser machine gun. Night Slasher starts calling Cobra out, saying that he has rights. He has to go to jail and be given a fair trial.

Night Slasher: The court is civilized, isn't it pig?
Cobra : But I'm not. This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!

What normally goes on that hook into that furnace?

Cobra then throws Night Slasher onto a giant hook which then carries the ol' Slasher through a furnace. Afterwards Cobra strolls out where the entire police force is waiting. They're grateful but wish Cobra would've arrested somebody, anybody. Cobra laughs and punches the Captain in the face. Then he jacks an abandoned motorcycle and takes off with Brigette Nielsen. All in all, Cobra is a great action movie about a cop who just doesn't give a damn.

*Ryan's afterthoughts*

Hi all. Just an observation. As a criminal justice major, I think Cobra is a pretty awful cop with extreme homicidal tendencies and should be suspended or fired. He kills everyone. I admit, some are justified shootings, but he never attempts to arrest anyone. The only time Cobra reads anyone their Miranda rights is after he sets fire to them. Pretty extreme. That doesn't stop me from giving this film two thumbs up, however.