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| Stallone is pissed at crime |
"Cobra" is a seriously hardcore movie starring Sylvester Stallone as Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, the most badass cop ever. He's the cop you call in when everything goes to Hell. He plays by his own rules and bends the law if it needs bending. He does every dirty job that comes along... Wait that's "Dirty Harry", isn't it? But that's the beauty of "Cobra". We're 99.8% sure "Cobra" was made after Stallone watched "Dirty Harry" and decided to reamke it. Not that we're mad. Both movies are exceptional.
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This is Cobra's gun. He keeps it tucked in the front of his pants...
Why don't you own a holster, Cobra?! |
The movie opens with Stallone rambling off some insane statistics. "75 robberies every 20 mins, 350 murders an hour, 945 rapes in a day, and 19,475 violent crimes in a fortnight". Follwing that, we have crazed man proclaiming to be "The Hunter" or something who takes a grocery store hostage. The cops are all outside, helpless to stop this shotgun-toting maniac. With their backs against the wall, they make the decision. "Call in the Cobra". Bad news for criminals. Boom. Cobra's on the scene. He immediately enters the gorcery store, endangers all the hostages by provoking the dude to fire the shotgun, drinks some stolen beer, gets on the PA and accuses the villain of being an asshole and a bad shot, then blows the dude away, twirls his gun and disarms a bomb. Cobra is the most badass cop around and the movie hasn't even started yet.
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| Nothing says "Cop" like some badass threads |
The entire movie, Cobra is perpetually wearing aviators, gloves, and chewing on a matchstick. Apparently this was hardcore in the 80s... Anyway the city is under seige by a serial killer known as the Night Slasher. You guessed it. He slashes people at night. But it's kinda tragic really. It's a compulsive act. He can't not slash. For pete's sake, there's time in the movie when he's trying to blend in and hide from Cobra in a crowd and he just slashes a dude. Another time, he slashes one of his own henchmen. He's just a poor, sick individual... with a compulsive need to slash Brigette Nielsen. Lucky for her, Cobra and his "partner" are ordered to protect her.
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Poor guy's addicted to slashing people.
At night. |
Did you notice we put "partner" in quotations? That's because Cobra works with a partner, Sgt. Gonzales. However, after close examination, we don't believe that Gonzales is an actual person. No, in fact, we believe Gonzales is the dark side of Cobra's psyche. Just hear us out. We noticed that no one actually talks to Gonzales except Cobra. Ok Brigette Nielsen talks to Gonzalez but she's really talking to Cobra, follow? Gonzales is an imaginary partner cooked up by Cobra! We say he's Cobra's dark side because he's always suggesting Cobra do bad things.
Gonzales: You know, when this is over with, I'd like to celebrate, by punching a hole in Monte's chest!
Cobra: You know what the trouble with you is? You're too violent!
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Like Cobra, Gonzales refuses to wear a uniform, opting for
the ever dangerous jeff cap |
Furthermore, it isn't until Gonzales is incapacitated and left behind that Cobra goes all psycho cop. The exciting conclusion takes place where all exciting conclusions in the 1980s took place: abandoned steel refineries that are somehow still active. Night Slasher and his army (yeah... we probably should've mentioned this earlier)...ok Night Slasher is part of a cult that's trying to kill the weak and usher in the future...? Sorry if that sounds weird. They don't really specify too much who or what the cult is. You just see em every now and then banging axes together. Pretty much, they needed a biker gang for Cobra to fight. Getting back to it, Cobra murderizes a whole biker gang with a little submachine gun with a laser pointer. We assume laser sights were introduced in 1986 because Cobra makes a big deal about having one. He keeps shining the red dot in people's eyes. They're all like "We get it Cobra".
The final showdown is super extreme. Night Slasher's got his knife, Cobra's got his laser machine gun. Night Slasher starts calling Cobra out, saying that he has rights. He has to go to jail and be given a fair trial.
Night Slasher: The court is civilized, isn't it pig?
Cobra : But I'm not. This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!
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| What normally goes on that hook into that furnace? |
Cobra then throws Night Slasher onto a giant hook which then carries the ol' Slasher through a furnace. Afterwards Cobra strolls out where the entire police force is waiting. They're grateful but wish Cobra would've arrested somebody, anybody. Cobra laughs and punches the Captain in the face. Then he jacks an abandoned motorcycle and takes off with Brigette Nielsen. All in all, Cobra is a great action movie about a cop who just doesn't give a damn.
*Ryan's afterthoughts*
Hi all. Just an observation. As a criminal justice major, I think Cobra is a pretty awful cop with extreme homicidal tendencies and should be suspended or fired. He kills everyone. I admit, some are justified shootings, but he never attempts to arrest anyone. The only time Cobra reads anyone their Miranda rights is after he sets fire to them. Pretty extreme. That doesn't stop me from giving this film two thumbs up, however.
