The Video Dead

Hi everyone. Ryan here. We realize it's been awhile since a new blog has gone up and we apologize. For one, Dennis and I were finishing college which takes up a lot more time than you'd think. That's right, folks. We all have college degrees now so you can trust that these film reviews come from highly educated individuals. Even better, Dennis is smarter than Chris and I combined (According to Dennis). Another reason for our short hiatus is because we were really banking on Judgment Day ending the world. It'd really get us out of a bunch of obligations and free up our time. Unfortunately, life goes on.

Now the film we have for you is a special treasure from 1987 called The Video Dead. Just look at that movie poster. That is pretty impressive. Look out, Van Gogh. I think your Starry Night just got curb stomped by this masterpiece.

MTV continues to add programs
unrelated to music.

The Video Dead is not your typical zombie movie. To prove this, we've used patented neurological technology to recieve Dennis' thoughts while he watched the film. Just trust us. It's gangbusters.

"Treat me right or I will jack you up"

Ok to start, a mysterious television set is delivered to a grumpy old guy who hates TV. That night, the TV turns itself onto a black-and-white zombie movie. The dude grumbles and turns the set off. It turns itself back on. The man becomes angrier and unplugs the set and goes to bed. That night, the TV turns itself on again. This time, the zombies notice the screen and start banging on it. As you might imagine, they rupture the space between TV Land (the realm, not the channel) and the Real World (the realm, not the TV show). The next morning the deliverymen return to reclaim the to find the man... partied to death.

Like it was 1999

3 months later...

The film was originally titled "The Hell of Being Zoe"

The house is bought by the Blair family. Zoe and Jeff Blair move in before their parents, who are currently overseras. Apparently someone cleaned up the brutal murder and stored the TV in the attic. That's right. The TV's in the attic. Zoe is the oldest and she's a big ol' happy airhead. Jeff is younger and he's basically a pothead. Four minutes after he moves in, he meets the hottest chick in the neighborhood, April. She's a dogwalker for rich people. Yappy, the dog she's currently walking runs off into the woods surrounding the Blair house. I think now is a good time to see what Dennis is thinking so far:

Dennis' brain: Ok, so the zombies come out of the Tv whenever it's on. I bet that Jeff kid will turn the TV on and a horde of zombies will come out and they'll spend the rest of the movie fighting zombies.

WRONG!

The dog runs off into the woods because he smells zombies! That's right, folks. The zombies never went back into the TV, they've been running the woods for the past 3 months.

Dennis' brain: Oh they're in the woods... I bet they eat the dog

WRONG!

That zombie punts the crap outta the dog and leaves it for dead. April finds it and worries about being fired. Luckily Jeff creates an alibi where the dog swallows a ball and dies. "Just push a ball down its throat and say it suffocated." Oddly enough, that alibi not only works, it also turns April on a little. Freaky.

That night, the TV turns itself on, luring Jeff into the attic. He takes it to his room and lights a jazzy. A "beautiful" woman emerges from the TV to seduce Jeff. When she returns, an individual approaches her from behind and slits her throat mid-sentence. This is the Garbage Man. He explains to Jeff that the girl was a zombie and that zombies come outta the TV.

The Garbage Man: The unsung zombie-slaying hero

Dennis' brain: I bet the Garbage Man is a human who got stuck in the TV. He'll probably help Jeff fight the zombies from his side.

WRONG!

The Garbage Man is never heard from again. Luckily, there's another "old guy/mentor" character who arrives on the scene, Mr. Daniels. Mr. Daniels is a Texan hellbent on buying the TV. Apparently he's really into 3D. And FYI the zombies finally come outta the woods and start killing people.

No no, not THIS Daniels.

Dennis' brain: Ok I bet there'll be a horde of zombies and they'll just start eating everyone. And who the Hell is that a picture of up there?!

WRONG!

There is only five zombies! They're like a team. Oh and they don't eat anyone. They really just kill for fun. In fact, they stick one lady in the washing machine and then laugh like idiots. According to Mr. Daniels, the zombies are insanely jealous of the Living. They hate seeing themselves in mirrors because they hate what they are. Oh and one of the zombies is David Bowie.

Ok, so it's not really David Bowie but it is
a serious case of copyright infringement

April's parents are killed and she runs to Jeff's house to cry. At this point, Jeff, April, Mr. Daniels, and Zoe are all holed up in their house.

Dennis' brain: They'll have to survive the night in this house, making their stand I bet.

WRONG!

Almost immediately David Bowie somehow gets into the house and steals April.

No one heard Bowie's footprints
over the sound of furious brushing

Dennis' brain: Wow, how did he get in there? The doors and windows were barricaded! Man... Ok they'll have to go save April and her and Jeff will fall in love in the process.

WRONG!

They pretty much let Bowie take her and don't pursue the zombies til the morning. Mr. Daniels and Jeff set off to hunt the zombies. They...uh...do pretty horribly. They manage to chainsaw one in half and then Mr. Daniels ends up implaed on his own arrow.

Dennis' brain: Wow I didn't expect Mr. Daniels to die. I'm sure Jeff will kill the rest and it'll be like he's the new zombie killer. Oh wait-- how'd that zombie get a hold of the chainsaw?! Oh no, is he really gonna--?!

CORRECT!

Jeff is impaled on the chainsaw! Now it's just Zoe all alone in a house. The zombies bust in. There's no hope. What will she do?!

Dennis' brain: I'm so confused. Where can this movie possibly go? Is the girl just gonna be eaten and then the credits will roll? How can this chick even fight the zombies? All she can do is be nice to them and make them dinner!

CORRECT!

Zoe realizes that the zombies won't kill her if she treats them like human beings. She seriously makes them dinner and then traps them in the basement where they go insane and eat each other.

The Video Dead is really awesome and unpredictable. It's especially fun if you have those friends who can "figure out" the ending to every movie you watch. Thankfully, I watch my films with Dennis and he rarely has any idea what's going on. Just look:

Dennis' brain: She was nice to them?! What the !%&*?!?!?... That's so weird....So wait... Who were 'The Video Dead'?