Chris here and I am writing to proudly present to you the cinematic mastery that is Bordello of Blood. The origin of why we watched this movie is two-fold. As a child, I used to watch Tales From The Crypt with my older brother and my mom, during the short period of time when we enjoyed HBO on the “hot box” that was a staple in the neighborhood homes. I remember we adored the scary shows like Are You Afraid of the Dark, and Goosebumps, and Tales From The Crypt was a more grown-up version of those shows. In Tales, the characters often met a gruesome demise that (unlike the endings of their childish counterparts, which always had happy endings), shocked and amused the three of us for reasons I can’t exactly begin to explain. The added bonus, and the part that kept this show on the air for so long, was the Crypt Keeper, a decrepit-looking muppet zombie, that was always right on key with a golden zinger to coincide with the episode's conclusion. For example, if a guy had his head cut off by his disgruntled employer, the Crypt Keeper would regale the audience with something along the lines of “he just wanted to get A HEAD at work!” We would laugh along with the Crypt Keeper’s ridiculous observations, somewhat uneasy but with unabashed respect for this weird little guy’s twisted sense of humor.
"sweet screams, boils and ghouls"...that's us! he means boys and girls!
The second factor that drew us into this movie is Dennis Miller. I doubt Dennis knew who Dennis Miller was, and even today he might not be able to describe him. The fact that they share the same first name will also add to the confusion of putting a name to a face. But I think Ryan’s first exposure to Dennis Miller was on a short lived program on the VS. Channel, wherein Dennis Miller sat on a stool inside a blue room that resembled something from the Matrix. Dennis Miller also is one to make quirky observations and snide remarks, but unlike the Crypt Keeper, no one laughed uneasily at his jokes…..no one laughed at all. We still don’t know if his show was filmed in front of a live audience or not.
"The Miami Dolphins Special Teams unit is like a girl on a scooter chasing after after a box of squirrels tied to the exhaust pipe of a pickup truck going 40mph down the freeway, am I right?"
This sums up the duration of Dennis Miller's show on VS... him, alone in a room, laughing at his own jokes.
The only laughter we ever heard during his show was when he was ruin his own bad joke by laughing in the middle of it, all the whilst shaking his head furiously to one side, a la Night at the Roxbury. I knew Dennis Miller from his stint as a Monday Night Football commentator, and before that, as a Saturday Night Live cast member. Never once during that span did he do or say anything remotely funny.
The idea to pitch together two of the world’s most awkward and uncomfortable one-liner artists may have seemed like a good idea on paper, but it wasn’t until that plan was put into action that we saw how great of a combination it truly was. The result: BORDELLO OF BLOOD!
Miller plays are sleazy pervert/hero of the film, Rafe Guttman. With in the first three minutes of meeting Rafe, we learn that he is a divorced, alcoholic, deadbeat, private investigator who is struggling to stay in business and who’s office may of may not be in the back of an old movie theater. He stalks/meets Katherine (Erika Elianak, of Dracula 3000 fame) at a local police station, and offers to take her case after the local authorities pass on it. After a few minutes of awkward advances and even more awkward Dennis Miller trademark humor, we are off!
Dressing like Edgar Frog didn't pan out so well for Corey this time around.
Anyway, just like most teens in horror films, Corey Feldman and his buddies are just looking to get laid, and, on this fateful night, they believe their best best chance of getting lucky is doing what a crazy, high, strung out Diamond Dallas Page tells them – to go down to the old funeral home after midnight. If a strung out stranger comes up to you at a bar and starts snorting and screaming at you, wouldn’t you trust him?
And it is at this funeral home/bordello where we meet a bevy of undead prostitutes, led by Lillith, the undead vampire madam (Angie Everhart). Lillith needs to drink your blood to keep herself young and alive, and she does just that throughout the movie. This post is getting pretty long and I don’t want to spoil too much of the fun, so here is just a short list of things you can expect when you make one of the smartest moves of your life and watch Bordello of Blood: A Fender guitar-shredding televangelist (played awesomely by Fright Night's Chris Sarandon!), a midget excavator, CGI effects that would trump anything you'll ever see on SyFy Channel, Dennis Miller having a Super Soaker fight with a bunch of half-naked vampire chicks, a nod to the other Tales From The Crypt movie, Demon Knight (starring THE Billy Zane!) and of course, plenty of playful banter from both Dennis Miller and the Crypt Keeper that will keep you laughing (or looking around in uncomfortable silence) all night.
"Is it just me, or is that broad in the photo above me completely Bazzoo Bazzoo? You dig what I'm sayin?"
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