Time Rider

Wow... it's been awhile. It's a good thing nobody reads this. For those of you who do (Chris) here's what happened. Dennis originally wrote the greatest Time Rider review of all time. Then the power went out and it was lost for all time.... Everyone knows how lazy we at the RDCFAS are so we never bothered to write a new one...

Til now...

3 years before Marty McFly would take his fateful trip back to 1955, there was one ultimate time travel movie. Time Rider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann!

Yes, we did select this movie
based on the poster.

Lyle Swan is played by Fred Ward of Tremors fame (Remember Tremors? When Kevin Bacon fakes out the Tremor at the end? What a cool dude Kevin Bacon is!) But waaaaay before he's the Time Rider, he's just an everyday motorbike enthusiast racing in the Baja 1000. It's some big cross country race over there... near Mexico...Rock a wiki on it if you need to know. This blog isn't about races y'know.

PANAMA!

 For the first 15 mins of the film, we're just watching Lyle Swann race his motorbike over rough terrain. From his POV. For 15 mins. It's just the camera rocking up and down while it flies across the land at 90 mph with Eddie Van Halen providing the soundtrack. If you don't vomit from the motion sickness, you're surely spew from the awesomeness. Unfortunately Swann gets lost, despite his super hi-tech helmet. It's got zoom, night vision, GPS, infrared, x-ray, and it protects his skull. There's also a button to make the visor go up and down. It's actually pretty nifty. But like we said, despite his super hi-tech helmet, he gets lost.

Doesn't matter what century it is, Lyle Swann's still a dick

This next part's important. Pay attention, huh? Now as we all know, top secret experiments of the utmost importance take place where there's no people, but somehow they find their ways to interrupt them (see Spider-man 3). The top secret government (?) lab is conducting Project: Time Rider, an experiment where they send a trashcan back in time. Who knows where the "Rider" part of the experiment is... it's just a trash can. Luckily for us, Lyle Swann stumbles upon this little science deal and is sent back in time too!

This man can't believe he's just met the dude from Tremors!

1877... Civilization is gone. Deserts sprawl in every direction. Old men in animal skins cook fire on fire spits. Cowboys ride around on horses, shooting pistols. Lyle Swann thinks he's in Mexico. Yes, the entire movie Lyle Swann is oblivious to the fact he's gone back in time. THE ENTIRE MOVIE. He rides around pursued by a gang of villainous cowboys who reason "that Robert E. Lee could've won the Civil War if he'd had one of those devil wheel machines." They eventually get it, primarily because Swann is busy shacking up with his grandmom. Ugh I almost forgot about that part... There's this chick, Belinda Bauer (she was in Robocop 2. I love that movie) and she's into strange future men apparently.

Ok... while Marty McFly danced around the issue of incest, Swann dives right in. to be fair, it's not so much that he's fornicating with his grandmom...it's more like he's fathering his own blood line. But to be certain, it's definitely sick. It's not very subtle either. It's more like "Hey this movie's been an hour of driving that damn bike around. Why don't you do the chick from Robocop 2 now?"

Eventually both her and the bike get kidnapped, so Swann has to team up with the baddest mofo in 1877, some shaggy dog-looking Ranger. Actually for a short time during the end, it turns into "Time Rider: The Adventures of the Shaggy-Haired Ranger". He sneaks into the enemy camp and snaps a dude's neck, which sprays arterial blood onto the Ranger's face. That, sir, is a SERIOUS neck snap.

Swann believes he's dazzling these "Mexicans"
with his Glo stick...

The exciting climax finds Time Rider, his bike, and the chick atop a cliff with the enemies in pursuit. It's dire now. There's no where to go but down. Is this the end of Time Rider?!

Not sure why the helicopter
spins outta control...

Thankfully no (but actually yes) the scientists from 1982 have sent a helicopter back in time to save Lyle Swann! Appparently the whole "we can't screw with the past by sending Fred Ward or helicopters back in time" doesn't apply. To be fair, even Doc Brown says "To Hell with it", right? So the scientists grab Swann only and take off for the future. As the credits roll, you can just barely here the scientists trying to explain to Swann that he was back in time, while he guffaws at their claims. Oh and the villain hell-bent on getting the Timebike?

He got too close to
the "Devil's Flying Machine"