Zone Troopers

This blog's entry calls for a different kind of introduction. As we all know there are certain great actors who all play the same character in every movie: themselves, but we're going to focus on our boy Billy Zane for a minute. Billy Zane plays Billy Zane in every movie, and Billy Zane is too good for any of his roloes and acts like he is doing the world a favor by being in the movie. In the same vein of acting mentality we have another amazing talent of underrated action flick badassery - TIM THOMERSON. We loved him in Trancers, I loved him in Uncommon Valor, and now everyone will love him in Zone Troopers. We're convinced that Tim doesn't act like he's doing everyone a favor...he actually is doing the movie as a favor. For Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo (the guys who made the movie).

Ok so shortly (very shortly) after finishing Trancers, the entire cast and crew went for a 10 minute break, got changed, and immediately started filiming Zone Troopers. Seriously, the credits for both movies are almost identical. Tim Thomerson is in a rush to hurry up and complete of all Bilson's movies and get rid of his poker debt. Thats why these movies are very short, sweet, and almost too direct in getting their point across.

And now...without fuirther ado:

This is pretty much how the movie DOESN'T go...

Rebel Alliance recruitment poster starring Admiral Ackbar's cousin

Our movie begins with an US Army Platoon stuck hanging around a rural Italian town behind German lines. They're all sitting around, killing time, waiting anxiously for their returning patrols or an attacking force. It looks like your typical WWII film...a bunch of young GI's engaging in small talk and laughing nervously. The main point of the introduction is to let the audience know that Tim Thomerson is known as the "Iron Sarge" and he is unkillable. So much that he is becoming a living legend among the troops. (we're pretty sure Danny Bilson made his character 'unkillable' so he would have to be in the entire film.)

His resentment of his role makes for a very good "Iron Sarge" personality

 The first few minutes are of Tim Thomerson proving how tough he is by yelling at his Lieutenant (Lieutenant is a few ranks above sergeant). He's growling about what the Lt. should be doing about the missing GI patrols, but the fabulous and flamboyant young man refuses to take Tim Thomersons's advice. Soon, loud noises can be heard coming from the other side of the hill, and  the Lieutenant literally skips up the hill and is shot down halfway. Now..the Germans are on the other side of the hill. So we're pretty sure Tim Thomerson shot this guy. He's just that hardcore. So anyway the Germans attack and a brutal firefight ensues, with GI's and Nazi's droppin like flies. The Americans put up a hell of a fight, but there are too many Germans and the platoon is soon overrun. Only Tim Thomerson and a handful of troops survive the onslaught.



Oh God...I should have just gotten shot and I'd be done with this movie already

The main players, from left to right: Dolan, an American Journalist trying to cover a story on Tim Thomerson; he is also the drunk baseball player who throws liquor bottles at the end of Trancers. Tim Thomerson, the "Iron Sarge". He's a tough guy who is focused on one thing - killing all the Nazi's so the war, and the movie, will be over in 85 minutes. Joey, the Jersey kid who pioneered the stereotype of WWII Jersey kids. he's young, naive, and really likes baseball. And finally we have Mittens, the big guy with a big gun (Velma, a combination of M1 Garand stock, Thompson receiver, and a Browning M1919 Barrel). He was also the police commissioner from Trancers. (we're pretty sure this guy is a plant in Bilson's films to make sure Thomerson is doing his job correctly, which is why he had to fish him out of the ocean in Trancers)

Now despite its alien-related plotline, this movie plays out more like a standard war film. Its a chaotic, scary, and emotional experience with these four GI's trapped behind enemy lines with a million Nazi's out searching for them. Wandering through the woods you can almost feel the crack of a Kar98 picking off one of them. Or the deep trembling BOOM of a Tiger Tank. Amazingly they elude the German's and seek shelter in an abandoned barn for the night, where we gain some emotional stories. Dreams of home. Dolan, Mittens, and Joey are all sharing stories of home and talking about being in Dolan's paper when Tim Thomerson barges in and breaks up the meeting and demands sentries posted. Tim isn't focused on delivering an all star emotional film for the audience; he's doing his job as Sarge the way a real sergeant would. The emotional hardships are felt, not acted out.

The following day, Dolan and Mittens decide to wander off and hunt deer and Tim Thomerson is ready to head for Allied lines when Joey stumbles upon the next plot device - an alien spacecraft!


Hey Sarge! Let's go inside!!

 Now we expected the spaceship to change this movie from WWII to a strange science fiction. Not on Tim Thomerson's watch! Bilson said this was a WWII movie and that's what he's gonna get. He reluctantly follows Joey through the ship, ignoring all signs that it is in fact an alien craft. He is convinced that the German's built it, and he promptly blows it up, stating that "It doesn't matter where it came from. the Nazi's want it, so we're not letting em have it. We got a job to do!" There are a few moments in this movie that have that "sucker-punch" feeling of reality to em...this was definitely one of them. Young Joey couldn't believe that he discovered an alien craft, and how this would change the world forever. And Tim Thomerson, grounded in the immediate situation, blew it to pieces. (Bilson couldn't believe his eyes)

And so on their way back to Allied lines, another plot device is placed in Tim Thomerson's path - an SS Camp. Naturally, Dolan with his reporter instincts, sneaks into the camp, which is soon inhabited by a returning patrol. Mittens attempts to rescue him but they are both promptly captured. We soon learn that the SS camp is searching for the alien ship that Tim Thomseron just blew up and have in their custody one of the aliens. Hitler himself shows up at the camp to interrogate the GI's and is socked by Mittens. True GI guts!!
Eventually Tim Thomerson (who spends long portions of the movie not being in the movie) shows up with Joey to rescue his two comrades, and they hijack an SS Truck that is holding the alien prisoner.

Alright Bilson, what the hell? I thought we were making a war movie here..not ET 2!

Its fairly late in the movie, but they finally have an alien with them that the story will now twist and bend around. Not on Tim Thomerson's watch! He spends the rest of the movie ignoring it, trying to leave it behind for the Germans, and denying that there is an alien in his squad. To him this is still just a war movie.

And so the squad makes their way through the Italian countryside and gets within a few miles of Allied lines when the alien wanders off and finds her (yea..the alien is a chick at this point) fellow alien kind, who seem to have brought a rescue ship. With them. The other aliens look like they're straight out of a David Bowie music video.

Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, European Tour 1944

 The aliens and war plot never really blend well in this movie. It seems like the aliens should either be here for a reason to mess with the Nazis, or the plot should somehow focus on the aliens, but it keeps its focus on the men of Tim Thomerson's squad and the camaraderie in war. The aliens are there, yes, but they're always just tagging along, out of place. When the aliens all reunite, the Germans attack. Typically you'd expect some alien weaponry to come into action, but instead the aliens return the ignorance and try to take off while under fire. The GI's, being selfless heroes, return the fire and try to defend the aliens. A grenade is tossed at the ship and Joey lunges to cover the blast. The battle rages for a few more minutes before the Germans are defeated and Tim Thomerson finds Joey. Again we expect some alien tech to save Joey's life, but instead the aliens ignore the dying soldier and continue with their takeoff procedures unhindered. Young Joey dies and Tim Thomerson FLIPS OUT. He yells at the aliens and tries planning a defense against the inevitable German assault, of which the aliens will take no part.

"We will not help you kill your own kind" the aliens say. Pointing at their dead comrade, Mittens growls back at them "The Nazis ain't our kind!"

The aliens still refuse, and the three remaining GI's head off the repel the German invaders. It was a real tribute to the American soldier. Here they are, three against a hundred, fighting to defend the oblivious and ignorant strangers for no reason other than they can. The aliens won't fight, and they'll be killed or captured, and so the angered Americans lay their lives on the line for them. I'm sure there's some sort of literal interpretation, but I'm pretty sure Tim Thomerson is trying to get everyone killed and end the movie.
And so our ragtag band of dogfaced GI's engage the German forces and repel them for as long as they can for the aliens to escape. They fight as long as they can, but eventually run out of ammo. Tim Thomerson, being the brave Iron Sarge (eager to be killed out of the movie), he surrenders to the Germans. However when he is face to face with the commander, he pulls a grenade from his pocket and blows himself up with the commander!!

The other two soldiers watch in horror and soon realize they're doomed when the aliens finally decide to be in the film. And then its pretty much all downhill cheesiness...

And now you all know where Call of Duty stole its ray gun idea from

Yea...the aliens have ray guns that basically make everything disappear when its hit. And now everyone is invincible and can't miss. The aliens "triumphantly" clean up the remaining handful of Germans, after the majority of the work has been done by the GI's. I guess we're supposed to think the aliens saved the day but they really didn't save anything. They were selfish and ignorant punks who got Sarge and Joey killed.

Luckily Tim Thomerson has more movies to make to finish his bet with Danny Bilson, and the unkillable "Iron Sarge" lives!! He simply walks out of the fog at the end of the movie (without a scratch) and demands a cigarette. TOTALLY BADASS.

Arena

Wednesday night, March 2, 2010. I, Ryan M. Brady, was sitting in my room thinking how cool it would be to put two conveyor belts, each moving in opposite directions, right next to each other and then laying on both sides so my body would rotate unyieldingly. Then my phone blows up. It's PJ, the other brother. The brother excluded from the Ryan, Dennis, and Chris Film Appreciation Society. He's hysterical, yelling about how awesome this movie is. I ask him to calm down but he's so far into telling me about this movie, it's like talking to a parrot. A parrot who only learned how to scream like Hitler. A parrot who only learned how to scream like Hitler on PCP.

A few hours later, PJ calls back. This time, he's coherent but he doesn't have much to say. He utters one word and I drop the phone. One word: "ARENA"



The last time PJ got THAT excited for a movie,
it was "Star Wars"



The title "Arena" refers to interspecies galactic fighting that takes place onboard this space station. Aliens are just beating the snot out of one another. Each fighter's abilities are hindered by a beam that makes the fights even.There are no human contenders. I was surprised at the level of violence and realism of the movie. A few occasion during the first fight, I noticed Dennis wincing as the champion, Horn, rained blows upon his opponent.

"RANGERRRRS!!!"

(Yes, he sounds like Goldar)

Our hero, Steve Armstrong, is also watching the fight on his intergalactic television... while he's supposed to be cooking. Armstrong has always wanted to be an Arena fighter which is why he's come to space in the first place. Unfortunately, him and his best friend Shorty, a 4-armed Nebulite, run a fast food joint on the space station. Armstrong is so into the Arena fight, he neglects to cook any food and when an Arena fighter Vang complains, Armstrong feeds him alright -- with a knuckle sandwich!

"Quit bleeding on my pecs, brah!"

That'll teach you to complain, Vang! Of course, now Armstrong and Shorty are outta jobs. Pretty soon they're bumming in the slums of the space station, turning tricks for money. Hey man, a 4 armed guy can earn a lot, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately for them, Vang's buddies find Armstrong and rough him up. Or try to at least. What they don't realize is that Armstrong's the strongest man ever! He easily dodges their blows with his lanky figure and feeds them all knuckle sandwiches. Vang's manager, Quinn, sees Armstrong's superior skills and offers him a job which he turns down.

Whoa! We sat perplexed and befuddled. We thought Armstrong's biggest dream was to become an Arena fighter! What's keeping him from taking the job? As we soon learn, Armstrong is disillusioned by the fixing of the matches by a mysterious manipulator. Regardless, Armstrong stills struggles with his decision and then it hits us at the same time. Dennis and I look into each other's eyes but no words are shared. We both know it. We foolishly believed the film was about the physical "Arena" where aliens fight each other for sport, but it's really about the "arena" within Armstrong.

Still strapped for cash, Armstrong and Shorty continue on their downward spiral into oblivion, resorting to illegal gambling. Abruptly, the gambling ring is broken up by a dude in a cape with a giant motorcycle helmet equipped with horns. They way that Armstrong and Shorty book it, we assume the dude's a police figure. During their escape, they swipe a couple thousand lying around and think they've hit the big time. Not the case. Weezil, a weasel-y dude, sees them and reports it to Mr. Rogor, the owner of the gambling ring (He's also the dude fixing the Arena matches). Now Shorty and Armstrong are in deep with the sharks. Rogor's a super evil space vampire and he wants his money back. Now Armstrong is forced to become an Arena fighter to earn the money back!

The epitome of space evil: ROGOR!

So Armstrong accepts Quinn's offer and dons the battle dress of champions! Luckily for everybody, Armstrong is super strong and can beat the crap outta every alien he meets including Stickers, his sparring partner.

One of the few touching scenes from "Arena"

Truth be told, this movie was so intense, there were parts where I had to pull my eyes from the screen so I can't be sure how many fights Armstrong fights in. The point is, he makes it all the way to the championship to fight Horn. Rogor's scared, man. Armstrong's way strong and Rogor's bound to lose some paper. Of course, he's a shady cat and he's not about to let Armstrong just walk away a winner. First he gets his lady friend to help. She's a singer that sings tunes to polyphonic Atari music.
 She seduces and poisons Armstrong, making him very sluggish before the match. Um... somehow he's cured seconds before the fight. I think they use magnets. Who remembers? I couldn't take my eyes of Armstrong's perfect hair.

"Square up, dude"

Pissed, Rogor sends Weezil up into the rafters to turn the handicap beam off of Horn. Shorty sees Weezil and pursues him. The two combatants struggle and unexpectedly, Shorty throws Weezil over the railing sending him plummeting to the ground. *Snap* His neck breaks and we see his weasel eyes glaze over.

At this point, I had to pause the movie and hold Dennis' hair while he vomited. Poor Little Guy. Clearly, "Arena" may want to raise their rating from "PG" to "R" so sensitive little boys don't watch it. Oh, back to the match. In the greatest fight ever filmed (yes, better than all the "Rocky"s combined) Armstrong knocks Horn out.
We don't think we could recommend this movie more than we already are. Having seen this, I'm so very pissed that "The King's Speech" won Best Movie. I don't care that "Arena" came out 22 years ago. Furthermore, we've written the script for "Arena 2". It's an opportune time for it, what with all these remakes and sequels being made 20 years after the fact. Ok, so "Arena 2" begins 3 seconds after "Arena" ends. Everyone's still celebrating Armstrong's victory. Suddenly, one of the fans steps on the corpse of Weezil and screams "AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!". Puzzled, Armstrong asks what's happening.

Shorty replies: "I killed Weezil, Steve!"
"What the F%*@, Shorty?!?!?!"

Everyone's disgusted at Shorty's actions and the Motorcycle Helmet-with-Horns Guy arrests both Shorty and Armstrong and throws them in Space Alcatraz. Oh yeah, guess who owns Space Alcatraz? That's right. Mr. Rogor! And he's doubly pissed and makes Armstrong fight for his freedom in an underground prison fighting ring. If you don't believe it'd win "Best Movie", just watch "Arena". Trust us on this one.