Arena

Wednesday night, March 2, 2010. I, Ryan M. Brady, was sitting in my room thinking how cool it would be to put two conveyor belts, each moving in opposite directions, right next to each other and then laying on both sides so my body would rotate unyieldingly. Then my phone blows up. It's PJ, the other brother. The brother excluded from the Ryan, Dennis, and Chris Film Appreciation Society. He's hysterical, yelling about how awesome this movie is. I ask him to calm down but he's so far into telling me about this movie, it's like talking to a parrot. A parrot who only learned how to scream like Hitler. A parrot who only learned how to scream like Hitler on PCP.

A few hours later, PJ calls back. This time, he's coherent but he doesn't have much to say. He utters one word and I drop the phone. One word: "ARENA"



The last time PJ got THAT excited for a movie,
it was "Star Wars"



The title "Arena" refers to interspecies galactic fighting that takes place onboard this space station. Aliens are just beating the snot out of one another. Each fighter's abilities are hindered by a beam that makes the fights even.There are no human contenders. I was surprised at the level of violence and realism of the movie. A few occasion during the first fight, I noticed Dennis wincing as the champion, Horn, rained blows upon his opponent.

"RANGERRRRS!!!"

(Yes, he sounds like Goldar)

Our hero, Steve Armstrong, is also watching the fight on his intergalactic television... while he's supposed to be cooking. Armstrong has always wanted to be an Arena fighter which is why he's come to space in the first place. Unfortunately, him and his best friend Shorty, a 4-armed Nebulite, run a fast food joint on the space station. Armstrong is so into the Arena fight, he neglects to cook any food and when an Arena fighter Vang complains, Armstrong feeds him alright -- with a knuckle sandwich!

"Quit bleeding on my pecs, brah!"

That'll teach you to complain, Vang! Of course, now Armstrong and Shorty are outta jobs. Pretty soon they're bumming in the slums of the space station, turning tricks for money. Hey man, a 4 armed guy can earn a lot, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately for them, Vang's buddies find Armstrong and rough him up. Or try to at least. What they don't realize is that Armstrong's the strongest man ever! He easily dodges their blows with his lanky figure and feeds them all knuckle sandwiches. Vang's manager, Quinn, sees Armstrong's superior skills and offers him a job which he turns down.

Whoa! We sat perplexed and befuddled. We thought Armstrong's biggest dream was to become an Arena fighter! What's keeping him from taking the job? As we soon learn, Armstrong is disillusioned by the fixing of the matches by a mysterious manipulator. Regardless, Armstrong stills struggles with his decision and then it hits us at the same time. Dennis and I look into each other's eyes but no words are shared. We both know it. We foolishly believed the film was about the physical "Arena" where aliens fight each other for sport, but it's really about the "arena" within Armstrong.

Still strapped for cash, Armstrong and Shorty continue on their downward spiral into oblivion, resorting to illegal gambling. Abruptly, the gambling ring is broken up by a dude in a cape with a giant motorcycle helmet equipped with horns. They way that Armstrong and Shorty book it, we assume the dude's a police figure. During their escape, they swipe a couple thousand lying around and think they've hit the big time. Not the case. Weezil, a weasel-y dude, sees them and reports it to Mr. Rogor, the owner of the gambling ring (He's also the dude fixing the Arena matches). Now Shorty and Armstrong are in deep with the sharks. Rogor's a super evil space vampire and he wants his money back. Now Armstrong is forced to become an Arena fighter to earn the money back!

The epitome of space evil: ROGOR!

So Armstrong accepts Quinn's offer and dons the battle dress of champions! Luckily for everybody, Armstrong is super strong and can beat the crap outta every alien he meets including Stickers, his sparring partner.

One of the few touching scenes from "Arena"

Truth be told, this movie was so intense, there were parts where I had to pull my eyes from the screen so I can't be sure how many fights Armstrong fights in. The point is, he makes it all the way to the championship to fight Horn. Rogor's scared, man. Armstrong's way strong and Rogor's bound to lose some paper. Of course, he's a shady cat and he's not about to let Armstrong just walk away a winner. First he gets his lady friend to help. She's a singer that sings tunes to polyphonic Atari music.
 She seduces and poisons Armstrong, making him very sluggish before the match. Um... somehow he's cured seconds before the fight. I think they use magnets. Who remembers? I couldn't take my eyes of Armstrong's perfect hair.

"Square up, dude"

Pissed, Rogor sends Weezil up into the rafters to turn the handicap beam off of Horn. Shorty sees Weezil and pursues him. The two combatants struggle and unexpectedly, Shorty throws Weezil over the railing sending him plummeting to the ground. *Snap* His neck breaks and we see his weasel eyes glaze over.

At this point, I had to pause the movie and hold Dennis' hair while he vomited. Poor Little Guy. Clearly, "Arena" may want to raise their rating from "PG" to "R" so sensitive little boys don't watch it. Oh, back to the match. In the greatest fight ever filmed (yes, better than all the "Rocky"s combined) Armstrong knocks Horn out.
We don't think we could recommend this movie more than we already are. Having seen this, I'm so very pissed that "The King's Speech" won Best Movie. I don't care that "Arena" came out 22 years ago. Furthermore, we've written the script for "Arena 2". It's an opportune time for it, what with all these remakes and sequels being made 20 years after the fact. Ok, so "Arena 2" begins 3 seconds after "Arena" ends. Everyone's still celebrating Armstrong's victory. Suddenly, one of the fans steps on the corpse of Weezil and screams "AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!". Puzzled, Armstrong asks what's happening.

Shorty replies: "I killed Weezil, Steve!"
"What the F%*@, Shorty?!?!?!"

Everyone's disgusted at Shorty's actions and the Motorcycle Helmet-with-Horns Guy arrests both Shorty and Armstrong and throws them in Space Alcatraz. Oh yeah, guess who owns Space Alcatraz? That's right. Mr. Rogor! And he's doubly pissed and makes Armstrong fight for his freedom in an underground prison fighting ring. If you don't believe it'd win "Best Movie", just watch "Arena". Trust us on this one.