Dark Tower

October is upon us (actually it's been upon us for awhile now... it's practically over) and Halloween is only a few weeks away. In keeping with tradition, we like to celebrate the horror genre during this month, showcasing some of the greatest horror films you may have missed in your clamor to see Paranormal Activity 3. Coincidentally, we recently watched Paranormal Activity 2 and Ryan was so unnerved, he slept with his Captain America shield and proton pack.

Ryan: Hey man, way to put me on blast like that!

Sorry...

Moving on....

As long as we're on the topic of paranormal happenings, we'd like to share a film that deals with the haunting of a tower, a film aptly named Dark Tower

We're 100% the film does not
take place in New York

How did we stumble upon this gem, you ask? Well we simply put evil-sounding words in NetFlix's search bar. What really sold it for us is the inclusion of one of the finest actors that horror movies have ever known, Michael Moriarty! You might remember him as the fist-hurling, no nonsense Mo' Rutherford from the critically-acclaimed Stuff. If you don't remember, for Pete's sake, scroll down and read The Stuff post. For serious.

He can't believe you didn't read The Stuff post

Now, Dark Tower takes place in... another country. Between the three of us, we've narrowed it down to Spain, Italy, or Japan. Now that's an awfully wide berth but the country is hardly important. In fact, every character of importance speaks plain ol' English. The story centers around a newly constructed skyscraper and its architect... Crap... what was her name?

Anyone? Someone run a search on IMDB please.

Ryan: Which chick? The chick with the Oscar moment?

No, no. She was barely in it. I'm referring to the chick that the whole movie was kinda about.

Ryan: The chick that Mo' Rutherford wanted to score with?

Yeah her! But you're kinda giving away spoilers there, champ!

Ryan: Oh right. SPOILER ALERT! The chick that Mo' Rutherford wanted to bang?

Yes her. What was her name in the movie?

Ryan: This chick?

Yeah.

Ryan: Carolyn Page

Ok that sounds about right. Anyways, Carolyn Page is the architect for the building which, as you might have guessed, is haunted! Weird happenings start... happening. For one, Carolyn seems to live inside the shell of this skyscraper. The first time we see her, she's in her underwear, dancing around her office. We had to ask Dennis to leave the room at this part. He's very impressionable. Don't judge us. 1989 half-nakedness still counts in 2011. All the while, the window washer is watching her do her little panty dance. Suddenly, he's attacked by an invisible force which jacks him up hardcore and hurls him over the side of his little trolley.

Soon Mo Rutherford is on the case--

Ryan: His name's Dennis Randa-

Soon MO RUTHERFORD is on the case although we're not sure if he's a cop or just some guy who investigates things like The Stuff and Dark Tower. Unfortunately, he's not the best man for the job. Everytime someone tries to give him important information to advance the plot, he zones out and starts fantasizing about doing Carolyn Page on her desk while her dead ex-husband watches, or chasing her down an endless labyrinth of hallways... He's kinda not good at his job. His partner's even worse. He gets possessed in the elevator shaft and starts gunning people down before he's shot himself.

When there were creepy going-ons in the 80s, you called this guy

If we could, we'd like to take a moment to mention an uncredited star of this movie: the elevator shaft shot. The director rigged a camera at the bottom of an elevator and was so impressed with himself, he used that shot more than any other. Just vmmm elevator coming down, vmmmm elevator going up. The elevator has more screen time than Mo' Rutherford.

And the winner for Best Actor goes to...

But what exactly is causing all this ghostly tomfoolery? Well Mo' Rutherford does some digging on his computer. Whenever Mo' Rutherford is shown researching onscreen, he is as quiet as the dead. But whenever the audience sees what he's looking at, we hear ol Mo' spew forth the most vulgar mutterings ever displayed.

"Motherf***in' f***s all f***ed up in the
f***...seen a lotta f***s and the f***s are still f***ed

Ultimately he discovers that Carolyn's dead ex-husband was the original architect of the skyscraper and may be the one responsible for the paranormal activites (<---subliminal advertising Paranormal Activity films). Of course, Mo' Rutherford can't just bust ghosts on his own. He's gotta round up a crew that involves a parapsychologist fake John Rhys-Davies and a psychic drunk R.J. Fletcher. They charge in to exorcise the ghost but uncover a truth that makes R.J. Fletcher do this:

Let's be honest. Nothing we write here could make this funnier than it is.

Now for your benefit, we won't go into the spellbinding climax but we do recommend you see it for yourself. To be honest, we figured Mo' Rutherford was just gonna KO the ghost and fornicate with Carolyn. Suffice it to say, our minds were totally blown at the conclusion.

Hers too