The Phantom

One word comes to mind when one thinks of The Phantom. BADASS. Just look at this movie poster. The Phantom doesn't wanna just fight crime or prevent muggings. He wants to "SLAM EVIL". Just full out body slam the crap outta Evil. All of it. Every Evil thing he can find. If you're Evil, he's gonna put on his purple pajamas, find you, and punch you in the face with his skull ring. Of course, that could take forever so instead he sits in his Skull Cave on the island of Bengalla until Evil comes his way.



"As soon as someone does evil, I'm gonna slam the crap outta them. Just wait."

 The villains are BADASS. Before we watched it, we trusted Treat Williams. Ok, we only knew Treat Williams from some movie we watched for 6 mins where Meg Ryan loses her kids and we were SURE that Treat Williams was gonna beat Meg Ryan at the end of the movie... Regardless, he sounded like a nice guy. "Treat" is usually something good. Brace yourselves. Treat Williams plays the villain! He's Xander Drax a meglomaniac and he proves just how BADASS he is by killing people in insane ways. He kills one guy with a trap microscope that shoots knives outta the eyepieces when you turn the focus knob. It's a lotta set-up but it's supremely BADASS. When a member of his organization tries to leave, Drax hurls a spear at him. A spear! Now he's questing for the Skulls of Toguanda: three magic skulls that when assembled, produce a force 1000x greater than a bomb! 1000x!!! This is a most BADASS weapon. Unfortunately one is on Bengalla and you know what that means. Only one man can stop Treat Williams now.... Billy Zane.

Billy Zane fails to stop Drax from uniting the Skulls

The Phantom is played by the only man born for the job: Billy Zane. Let's face it. Billy Zane is the greatest actor of all time and he knows it. That's why in all his movies, he plays the role like he's doing the world a favor. Just look at the way he nonchalantly saves Kristy Swanson from Catherine Zeta-Jones http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOMsiHwYg6Y&feature=related

"You're Welcome"

Catherine Zeta-Jones plays Drax's henchwoman and Kristy Swanson plays the Phantom's love interest, Diana Palmer. She ends up in Bengalla when her uncle sends her there to collect information about Drax's acitivities. Also she knows Billy Zane from college but doesn't realize he's the Phantom. Either way they're both pretty hot and they're into the Phantom. Who are we kidding? Of course, they're into the Phantom. It's Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. We haven't seen Titanic but we would if Billy Zane slammed Evil in it. Maybe towards they end, he fights the Titanic? That'd be worth watching.

 Now we know what you're thinking. You're saying "Ryan, Dennis, Chris Film Appreciation Society, this movie is so BADASS I can't take it. Please just let me watch 'Slumdog Millionaire' before I implode". And when we say it gets even more BADASS, you're pleading for us to stop. Well we won't stop because we can't stop. We used to be like you. We guffawed at The Phantom when we saw the DVD, laying there in a 2 for $5 bin at Wal-mart. But we watched it and now we're spreading the word so you'd better listen up. Ok here it goes... towards the end of the film, Drax (with the Phantom pursuing) head to the Devil's Vortex, a most BADASS place, to find the final skull. As you watch the film, you're thinking "Oh this is where the film wraps up I guess". Heck no. HECK NO. Drax can't get his hands on the skull cuz freakin' Shang Tsung shows up. That's right. The guy from Mortal Kombat.


On a side note, when Shang Tsung gets mad in the film,
he becomes impossible to understand. It's a lotta "puh" sounds.


There's a lot of spoilers in the above paragraphs but we feel no remorse. The film came out in '96. It's time the rest of the world caught up. Besides there's plenty of BADASS scenes we haven't even mentioned. Here's one: "No smoking in the Skull Cave". See? What's that about you wonder? Who's smoking in the Skull Cave? Shang Tsung (or whatever his name is in The Phantom)? Just trust us. There's no possible way you can go wrong with this masterful achievement in American cinema.