Dracula 3000

1000x better than Dracula 2000

Halloween is fast approaching and we'd like to continue our blog with some horror films that have ultimately changed our lives. Now if you're like us (and even if you're not) you probably enjoy a good vampire movie. They drink people's blood, they turn into bats, and they explode in sunlight. This past year we've viewed a multitude of vampire films from Daybreakers (an Oscar-worthy production) to Sundown (a life-altering roller coaster ride of a movie). Unfortunately, it all became a bit mundane. We saw vampires in the city, we saw them in the country, we saw them in Arizona and we saw them in Forks, Washington. Wasn't there a movie that put vampires in a wild and crazy locale?! Of course there was, you silly goose. Enter: Dracula 3000, the greatest movie that finally puts vampires where they've never been before. SPACE.

Just in case you were completely lost, space looks something like this.

Our movie starts in space with the most bodacious crew ever assembled on a salvage ship. Erika Eliniak (of Bordello of Blood fame), Tommy "Tiny" Lister (that convict from Dark Knight who throws the detonator out the window), Coolio, and freakin' Casper Van Dien! If these guys were on the Enterprise, we still wouldn't watch Star Trek.... Um...moving on. Casper Van Dien and his crew are salvagers when they discover an abandoned ship near the planet Transylvania. Casper Van Dien, being the clever businessman that he is, decides that abandoned ship is his now, so he and his crew shoot over onto the ship to check it out. Bad move, Casper Van Dien. His crew and him get stuck on the abandoned ship! Mega spooky! It gets even worse for them. If you're easily scared or squeamish, please scroll down and read The Phantom post. We promise you can stomach it. There's no shame in leaving. Okay everyone gone? Let's contine, you brave reader!

And you thought he was cool because of "Fantastic Voyage"

Coolio and Tiny find the ship's cargo which turns out to be a buncha coffins. Coolio thinks the coffins are being used to smuggle drugs. Silly Coolio! Vampires are in those coffins! Actually, there's only one: Count Orlock! Oddly enough, you'd expect him to be Count Dracula since the title of the movie is Dracula 3000... but a title doesn't make a movie, right? Anyway, Orlock quickly turns Coolio into Count Coolio who attacks the crew. Things look bad. Thankfully Casper Van Dien is onboard! He can kill any vampire and we fully expected him to kill Orlock and start making out on Erika Eliniak. Here's the thing: Casper Van Dien has it in his contract that he only works a certain amount of hours on one movie. That time expires somewhere around 45 mins into the movie. Tiny and Erika rush into a room and find Casper Van Dien already a vampire. We know. We were shocked and so were Tiny and Erika. They were sure the script had Casper Van Dien killing Orlock at the end. Regardless, they impale him on a spear. Casper Van Dien is out of the movie from this point on.

"It's been 36 hours. You know the deal. Van Dien out."

Not to worry, Tiny quickly undergoes a character change from "dumb, giant guy" to "manly hero". After this, Orlock doesn't stand a chance. In fact, in our favorite scene in the movie, Tiny is trying to close a door that Orlock is on the other side of. Orlock uses all his supernatural strength to catch his prey but Tiny overpowers that undead fiend and closes the door on Orlock's arm, ripping it out of the socket. Orlock screams the Lord's name and subsequently disappears from the film.

"Gimme that pool cue, and I'll do what you should
did ten min'nus ago"

Before we conclude, we would like to make special mention of "Dracula" in Dracula 3000. Consider the movie poster at the top. From we what we see, this vampire is an android with vampire and machine parts. Pretty scary but not creative enough. Admit it. You yawned when you saw it. It's understandable. That poster must've been designed by some guy thinking Dracula 3000 was some straight-to-DVD garbage, not the soon-to-be classic that it truly is. Luckily, the "Dracula" featured in the film is one we can all fear and respect.

Dracula 3000: Proving that Party City still
has kick ass costumes.

Until next time, folks!