Sssssss

Sssssss. Onomatopoeia at its finest

Sssssss (That's seven S's) is a rare treasue that we could never have hoped to find in a million years. This one comes to us recommended by Jennifer Thompson, a connoisseur of snake movies or musicals. We're not sure one way or the other. Regardless, we are eternally grateful. Why was this movie so hard to find you ask? It probably had something to do with PETA, we bet. We couldn't even find Sssssss on VHS, let alone DVD. We had to go and download it off a torrent. As for the PETA comment, before the film starts, a note appears on the screen explaining that all the snakes used in the film are real as well as the danger associated with them. We think that's mighty rad, especially considering the threat represented by the King Cobra and Black Mamba. Unfortunately, the animals take a lotta crap during this film which we're sure got it banned somewhere.

Dr. Stoner decides to Kung Fu a King Cobra. This should raise some red flags.

At it's core, Sssssss is a cautionary tale about the dangers of accepting a job without really reading the fine print. First let's meet Dr. Stoner. That's him up there. He's an oddball herpetologist (that's a reptile specialist). He keeps a pet snake Harry who he gets wasted with. Him and Harry are always knocking back a bottle of Jack. Now he needs a new lab assistant. His last one, Tim, well... we'll meet him later. Anyway, Dr. Stoner (that's really his name) goes to the local college and interrupts a Snake class to find a new lab partner. Yes, there is a Snake class going on. Apparently, snakes have a huge part in this town. The economy is probably hugely supported by snakes. Moving on, Dr. Stoner takes our young hero, David under his wing. First, he introduces David to all the snakes in the lab. This is where we get some neato facts about snakes, from this one tiny snake that Dr. Stoner jabs at to prove it won't bite, to the King Cobra, who Dr. Stoner fights on weekends for money. Come to think of it, Dr. Stoner might not be a herpetologist at all. But we digress, Dr. Stoner also introduces David to his daughter Christina, who he immediately gets the hots for, and why wouldn't he? Check her out:

"This is Christina, my daughter. You touch her, I'll turn you into a snake, you hear?"

Unfortunately she has terrible eyesight. There are a few times in the movie where we see through her eyes and it's just a blur. Now it doesn't really affect the rest of the movie, but we wanted to tell you anyway. Back to David. A fun fact about David is that he leaves right from the school to live with the Stoners. So, he's only got the clothes he came with. He wears the same blue shirt through the whole thing. Also, David is the most oblivious guy ever in the history of working with snakes. Dr. Stoner immediately starts "inocculating" David against snake venom. This seems ordinary, at least if David actually worked with the snakes. Instead, Dr. Stoner sends him to bed. Pretty much, all David does is get his shots, eat dinner, hit on Christina, and go to bed. You'd think his being hired as a lab assistant and Dr. Stoner's treatment of him would raise some questions. David starts feeling the results of these shots which he still believes to be "inocculations" no matter how weird the side effects get.

"What? Of course it's normal. Now get yourself a cookie and then off to bed"

Obviously, David's not the brightest guy around but we do admire his pursuit of Christina. He's driving her around, supposed to be doing snake-related things as per his job, when he decides to get her to go skinny-dipping. Later on, when Harry the snake dies (from alcohol poisoning we're sure) David sees this as an opportunity to get freaky. "Hey babe, sorry your snake died... wanna get naked?" Of course it works. When Dr. Stoner finds out, he flips. This isn't your average "I can't believe my lab assistant slept with my daughter" flip out either. He's really just worried about Christina giving birth to a snake child. That's right folks. That magical juice Dr. Stoner has been pumping into David the entire movie is turning him into a snake! For some off the wall reason, Dr. Stoner is worried about fuel shortages in the near future. By turning people into snakes, we won't have that problem. Think about it. Snakes can't drive cars. Why would they need fuel? Remember Tim from earlier? His old lab assistant? Dr. Stoner did the same thing to him but the serum was imperfect, resulting in this little beauty:

"Hi y'all, it's me Tim"

                                      
Christina figures this out when she sees Snakeman's blue eyes. "Tiiiimm!!!! NOOOOO!!!!" she screams, making poor Tim just feel worse about his situation. She rushes back home where Dr. Stoner's serum is nearly finished with David. In a matter of minutes (this serum is THAT good) David's limbs fuse with his body and he shrinks into a King Cobra.... Literally. Our favorite part of this whole thing is the climax because it all seems to go to Hell. First, Dr. Stoner takes the original King Cobra to tell him how he made a better one outta David. In the middle of this little speech, the King Cobra just straight up bites him. We believe this was unplanned and the actor playing Dr. Stoner died then and there. Inside the lab, Snake David is slithering around when a mongoose up and breaks outta his cage and starts beating the #@^& outta David. (This is where PETA would be mad) The cops show up with Christina and blow the first Cobra up with a shotgun. Then they run in and find David and the mongoose. Christina screams "David! No, not you too!" because as bad as her vision is, her heart knows when David's a snake. Abruptly the movie goes black and we're left to decide for ourselves if they shot Snake David or not.

Whew. It's quite an emotional thrill ride, isn't it? And you haven't even seen it yet! Now, like we said, the moral of the story is you shouldn't accept jobs from guys named Dr. Stoner who have a penchant for getting their snakes drunk. Furthermore, if they don't expect you to work and keep shooting chemicals into your system, that's probably not a good thing either. On the surface, Sssssss is a cautionary tale but peel back the layers and it's really a tragic love story about Christina and how all her boyfriends are turned into snakes by her overbearing father. Tragic, we tell you, tragic. But, watching this movie won't be tragic for you. We strongly urge you ask for this movie at your local Blockbuster. They probably won't have it, but the title is incredibly fun to say!

It's worth mentioning that Dr. Stoner created an earlier serum that gave Christina Chewbacca-like qualities